Are you feeling like you’re stuck with the ‘fixer’ syndrome? Every time you get around someone with problems and issues, you feel like it’s your job to fix it. And sometimes it’s not even just the problem itself, but sometimes you feel like you have to ‘fix’ the person. You keep telling yourself that with you, it’ll be different than the person that tried to do the same thing before you.
Let me be completely transparent with you… I struggled with that before, and it was an ongoing thing for a long long time. As I talked with other people about it, I started seeing that many of us have faced that before, or are struggling with it right here, right now.
The Roots of the Fixer
Oftentimes, the fixer syndrome is coming from good intentions and empathy for other people. And many times, wanting to be the fixer for others root in own experiences throughout life when help was wanted and needed, but sadly not often received, or not received in a healthy way. Many times, it comes from a lack of education on having boundaries, and how to set healthy boundaries.
Today, as we talk about this subject, it matters that you are completely honest with yourself. Why do you feel like it is your duty to always have to fix everything and everyone around you? Where did it begin? Even though it was with compassion, and kindness, I also wanted to feel needed. Let me be honest here… It was almost a co-dependence on wanting to be the ‘super hero’ friend, the knight in shining armor that can help solve it all, they’ve never had.
Feeling Good to be the Fixer
It would make me feel good to be a crutch for others, and become a ‘rescuer’… But reality is, I wasn’t. And I was never meant to be. As a matter of fact, me trying to be ‘the fixer’ was not good for them, nor was it healthy for me. I had to admit the truth: It is not my job to fix people, and it is not my job to try to fix everything around me. But now that I’ve built up this habit for so long, and have made it a part of my life, how do I break free from it? Does any of this sound familiar at all to you?
Learn how to leave it broken! That is one of the smartest things a human being can learn to do. Leave it broken. I understand, that is a very hard thing to learn, especially when you have a huge heart, and are very empathetic. I get it, I’ve been there… it is not easy to do. We have the tendency to identify issues, and then we automatically switch mode into becoming the fixer. We jump into wanting to solve the issues. But that’s not our job.
Recognize the Fine Line
There is a very fine line between helping handing a person the right tools to get to the solution, and doing it for them. But when you keep trying to fix things for a person, they will always fall back into the same issues, knowing they will always have you as the crutch taking care of the problem. And that won’t do them, nor you any good. A while back I had a person compare it to parenting. They said, if you keep carrying your kid, they won’t ever learn to walk on their own two feet. What good would that do to them or to you?
As I entered relationships, some way, somehow, I would keep picking the ‘broken’ men. I would mentally tell myself that they would change around me, and I could ‘fix’ them. It was never my job to fix them in the first place though. As long as a person doesn’t want things in their life to be changed on their own, it’s wasted time. And oftentimes ends up in a broken heart or two. If a person doesn’t want to invest time into learning how to communicate properly, it is not up to you to be the fixer of that. You can try as long and as hard as you want to, it won’t happen until it is them wanting to. And that was hard for me to accept, because I felt like I lost my purpose. But it never was my purpose in the first place.
Due to the Lack of Boundaries
Another reason I kept being pulled into that kind of situation was the not having any boundaries set. Being too kindhearted with no boundaries is easy recognized by people with no good intentions. They like to suck you into their life and situations, without having any intentions for any changes to take place. Instead, they like to manipulate you, and take advantage of you.
A friend of mine a while back suggested to ‘incorporate the leave it mode, for my own well-being’. I laughed it off, but I knew what he said is true. The lesson was simple… ‘leave it’ as it is, because me constantly wanting to be the fixer for everyone around me was unhealthy for myself. I understand, that is not easy to do. Especially not if you’ve focused so long on constantly ‘fixing’.
And the Truth Sets you Free
One day, the revelation hit. The truth hit. I made myself ‘the fixer’. I was never supposed to be. Me being the fixer was never the purpose. I told myself it is because it made me feel important, it made me feel needed. But I was never supposed to be. It wasn’t my responsibility to convert a guy to show his feelings, when he wouldn’t because he was betrayed in 7th grade. I had nothing to do with his past, so why did I take it on me as if it was?
Once the eyes opened to the truth, the heart changed. It is time to get away from ‘the fixer’ mindset. Break free from the chains that were never for us to take on. It’s time to stop trying to fix things that you didn’t break. Some things are broken, some people are broken… it is not your responsibility to fix it all around you. Leave it broken. You didn’t break them, and you know you didn’t break them… so why almost break yourself trying to fix it?! LEAVE IT BROKEN!
Hand the Tool, Don’t Become the Tool
When you have a person in your life that wants to work on themselves, hand them the needed tools, but be careful to not become the tool. No matter the circumstances, you can’t do the job for them. And sometimes, as hard as it is, you simply have to leave people in the mess they are in, because they don’t want to get out of it.
You can’t change other people. And it’s not your job to. But you can work on yourself and change yourself for the good and the better in your life. Switch the focus from others to yourself. What can you do for yourself? By keeping focusing on changing others, it costs you your emotional and physical energy. When you keep focusing on everyone around you, it costs you your time, and mental energy… and you forget to recharge your battery for yourself.
Do This for You
So, with all that said let me finish by saying this. This week, take a little bit of time for yourself and answer these questions. First, what is your idea of some characteristics of a fixer? Write them down… Now, be honest with yourself, are you recognizing some of those behaviors in yourself? Second, what are some things or some people you are trying to ‘fix’ and why? Dig deep. What is it that keeps pulling you towards wanting to be the fixer over and over again?
Third, why do you think people need to be fixers? What is the good and bad in this? Fourth, why is it so hard for the fixer to set boundaries? What do you think is causing it for the fixer to not be able to say no when necessary? And last but not least, what actions do you think you should take in order to break the habit of trying to be the fixer in other people’s lives?
I am going to leave you with this for this week. Find the roots of the fixer syndrome in you and cut them lose. It’s time to look out for yourself, and work on yourself. You deserve it!!! Keep me posted, and keep in mind that you are not alone. Don’t hide in shame, or make yourself feel like you are not worthy, because that’s so far from the truth. YOU GOT THIS!!! And we’ll reconnect next week!
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