Lately you’ve been really struggling with the thought of ‘Why the heck are things not going the way I want them to? Why aren’t they going as I imagined? This is not how it’s supposed to be…’. Sound familiar? Have you been there before? Maybe it was when you were very young, and just couldn’t understand why you didn’t get the grade you thought you deserved? Because let’s be real, you’ve studied really really hard. You assumed you had full control over that. You did all the right things to earn, and get that grade. Why didn’t it go that way?
Maybe it was in your first relationship, or all the way to your last relationship you were involved in, and ended up heart-broken when you thought if you’d give absolutely everything, it should most definitely last. So why didn’t it? Nothing adds up, nothing makes sense. It’s time to talk about a subject nobody really likes to talk about… Let’s talk about CONTROL.
Control. A word not everybody likes, or wants to talk about. There are things we can control, and things we simply can’t. To constantly try to be in control is not good, or healthy. It wears you out, and puts so much stress and heaviness on your shoulders. What good does it do if it’s something you try to control that you have absolutely no control over?! With that said, let’s take a look at some things we do have control over, and some things we definitely don’t.
What is control? The power to influence people’s behavior, or direct the course of events. That’s one of the current definitions. So know, control isn’t always a bad thing. Whether it’s a positive or negative kind of control, depends on how the controlling is done, how it is used, and how you experienced it in the past through others.
You have complete control over your behavior, your actions, your beliefs, your thoughts, your attitude. How you express yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, etc. Should I keep going? You have complete control when it comes to yourself… But here is what you don’t have any control over: Other people. Sure, you can control who your friends are, but you won’t be able to control them, their behavior, their responses, etc. That’s in their control, as you are in yours. The moment you try to manipulate and control another person is when the friendship and relationship becomes toxic. Oftentimes it becomes a ‘fake’ relationship.
It’s in your control to decide whether you want to get up and try again, or just give up… But think about where you would be if you would have just given up after falling on your butt the first couple of times when you first learned walking. Growth is a learning process, and we can’t give up just because we failed a couple times before. If we do that, we won’t get anywhere in life.
Think about something really important that you have complete control over… How do you respond? When someone triggers something inside you, what’s the way you respond? Do you know what has you respond the way you do? Is it an event from the past that automatically has you put that wall up around your heart? Is it a pain that you were caused, which was not your fault (because you don’t have control over what other people say to you)? Could it be that you’ve been keeping yourself in the ‘survival’ mode, trying to control it all just so you wouldn’t be hurt again? Or maybe you’ve been putting that gigantic lock around your heart so your heart can’t be broken again, and you feel like you’re in full control of the whole situation?
Let me ask you this… Have you been people pleasing the people around you that you are close to because you thought it gives you control? Because let’s be honest, losing a person we are feeling close to is really hard. But often we lose focus of our purpose because we are running all over the place for others where we forget to look out for ourselves.
It is so important to know who you really truly are because it allows you to live with purpose and helps you develop healthy, satisfying relationships which both contribute to overall good, emotional health. Many people say from a very early age ‘I just want to be happy’. ‘I am looking for happiness’. And sadly, oftentimes people confuse happiness with fame, status, money, relationship status and such. But I am going to have to tell you the truth here, you won’t ever find happiness in those things.
Let me ask here again… What is it that caused a person looking for love and happiness in materialistic things so desperately? It could’ve been that fight the parents had when the person was little because they were broke, or the mother was yelling at the dad saying he isn’t enough because he can’t even take care of the family. That traumatic experience the kid witnessed might have been that one event setting it in his heart and memory that he’ll never end up where the parents were, and he’ll do everything needed to get there.
Set Goals…
Having goals for yourself is amazing, and when you reach them, it is important to be proud of yourself for it, and to celebrate it. It is a big deal! If people around you don’t support it, or make it ‘not a big deal…’, they’re wrong. It is a big deal, a huge deal. You’ve set something for yourself, something you wanted to do for yourself, and you’ve made it, you reached it. That is a pretty big deal if you ask me. Then you can set the next goal. Keep in mind to not overwhelm yourself, and expecting it all to happen overnight. It takes time, and all starts with that first step.
Think of it this way; you know some of the ‘big shots’ athletes? Do you think they were born as those ‘big shots’? No. They had to take one little step at a time. They might’ve started with a small basketball basket in the bedroom. Maybe in pre-school, they got that basket for the parking log, and just started shooting the ball towards the basket over and over and over again, saying they won’t go back inside until they made about 20 shots. Then they started playing in school, working their way towards high-school, getting better and better. You kind of get the idea…
So how do you see yourself? The self-imagine, the way you see yourself is so important. That’s in your control. It’s a decision, a choice you can make every single day. You can’t expect someone to treat you right, and value you, and see your worth in you if you don’t see it yourself. We constantly hear people saying ‘you have to set boundaries’. But how if you don’t see the worth and value in yourself? You won’t, because you’ll let people walk all over you, and do whatever they want. You’ll desperately look for value in things you do, in other people, in materialistic things, and so many other things instead.
When you start recognizing your self-image, it will be the fuel needed for the recognition of your own worth and value. You’ll slowly start setting boundaries that you won’t allow people to overstep anymore, and you’ll start recognizing healthy from toxic relationships in your life. So what does it take for you to take that control back?
With that said, let me ask you this… What was it that happened to you that made you feel unworthy, or belittled? Perhaps something that was said to you, that you were never able to process and work through? Was it something that happened to you? Maybe it was an event when you were really little, and just wanted cuddle, and were pushed away because the person was stressed out, or mad at something you had absolutely nothing to do with. It was absolutely not in your control… but it hurt you. You might’ve been too young to understand, or to deal with, and just didn’t know how to, or couldn’t process it, so you just suppressed it ever since.
It’s Time
It’s time to process it now, work through it, and break free from it. Get that weight off your shoulders, because you deserve it. You are absolutely worthy! Write that on your mirror, or a post it note and stick it somewhere where you see it everyday: ‘I am worthy! I am valuable!’ And say it everyday. It might not feel right in the beginning, and might take a little while until you believe it, but keep going. You’ll slowly get there. Give yourself time, don’t quit. Keep going, and have lots of grace on yourself. You’re doing this for you, because you deserve it.
You feel like Control was snatched from you. And now is the time to snatch it back. Take it back! How you think of yourself is in your control, and to start seeing yourself as valuable as you truly are, and as worthy as you truly are, is good. And it’s healthy. If you don’t hear it enough from others… that’s okay. That’s out of our control. So start telling yourself what you would like to hear from others, and start recognizing the change that’s taking place within you in a really good way.
That’s how we’ll end this week. Hang in there… You’re a lot stronger than you think!
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