Expressing Emotions… Where is the Balance?

Expressing emotions can be one heck of a challenge… if so far we haven’t been taught to do it in a healthy way. Of course there are many ways for us to express our emotions in very unhealthy ways. As children, if we are not taught correctly, we have the tendency to automatically choose the unhealthy ways. Because, whether you want to or not, we try to protect ourselves in some type of way. So we tend to choose to either be expressing our emotions by over-reacting, by acting out, or by suppressing or oppressing as a defense mechanism because we simply don’t know any better.

Think about it, as a child, were there moments when you were acting out? If it wasn’t you, can you remember a child, or a friend that acted out towards the parents, a teacher, or maybe another child around them? When you see very young children bullying, that is coming from somewhere. There is a reason why they are acting out the way they are. And often times it is triggered by un-expressed emotions. They fight instead, throw in fits, later on might start stealing, and disrespect on a high level to authorities… because they can’t be expressing emotions if they’ve never been taught.

The Need of Expressing Emotions

The problem is, if we don’t regulate it, we carry it on for a long long time throughout our life. So it is really important to find a balance. As mentioned in a blog a while back, we are born with emotions. We have emotions, whether we like it or not. So now it comes to the point to find a healthy balance to be expressing emotions, and to regulate emotions for your own benefit, in a healthy way. It is important to do so for your health. And I tell you in a little bit how all that affects you.

Emotions can be internalized or externalized. So when expressing emotions externally, there has to be a healthy balance to do so. You know you’ve experienced it before, where someone completely over-reacted in anger. Or when someone bullied you. Those were ways of externally expressing emotions, but in a very unhealthy way. Perhaps you’ve experienced it in your past with other people or gotten caught in chapters of your life where you punched a wall or got caught in substance abuse… that happens when we externalize our emotions, instead of processing them in healthy ways.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the tendency to internalize our emotions. That is not good or healthy either. We don’t want people to see us for who we truly are, or let them know how we actually feel. When we internalize them, we either suppress them, which happens when we try to avoid feelings on purpose. Or we repress them, which happens when we unconsciously avoid the feelings. The results of holding our emotions in, and avoiding expressing emotions end up in anger, anxiety, depression, resentment, etc.

Expressing Emotions Healthy

It is so important to regulate your emotions, and not suppress or repress them. So where is the healthy balance when it comes to expressing emotions? And how do you get there?

Just as many things we’ve talked about in the previous blogs, this is a change in life. Think about it, you’ve been doing it a certain way all your life, how can you switch to a new way? It is possible. This is for you, for your benefit, and because you deserve the absolute best. Start by keeping in mind that you are a very valuable person, and you have a voice also. Don’t be too scared to share it in a healthy way. If a person can’t respect you, they simply don’t deserve being around you. And a healthy friend, a good friend, or family member, or boyfriend, or other person… will absolutely respect what you’re sharing when it comes to emotions, and boundaries.

Recognize

So first, start by recognizing your own emotions. Recognize what you feel. Take a moment to really feel it. If you are frustrated, say it to yourself. If you are feeling anger rising inside of you, recognize that anger. Perhaps you feel your eyes watering up, what was it that started that feeling of sadness inside of you? Once you recognize the feeling, it’s time to manage them. If you haven’t been able to do that before, that’s okay… we’ll start right here and now. Have a lot of grace on yourself.

Once you start noticing and recognizing your feelings, try to calm yourself in that moment, and try adjusting that behavior. This is a small exercise that helps in the long run with building good and healthy friendships and relationships. It helps with managing life difficulties that come against you as well as the setbacks you will experience down the road.

The Healthy Regulation in this…

Now that we’ve talked about the base of expressing emotions, let’s look a little deeper into the meat of it… How can we regulate our emotions to a healthy level where we can express what we are feeling? As mentioned before, these are just a hand-full of examples and exercises. If these don’t work for you, keep in mind that there are many many more ways than just these.

Don’t act on what you feel right away. Give it a little bit of time to recognize what you are feeling and try to be reasonable. Accept what you are feeling, and remember that they are unavoidable, and there is nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling. Once you’ve recognized what you are feeling, try your best to not blow it out context or proportion by going over it over and over again in your head. If you want to act on the emotion right away, keep in mind that it won’t solve the problem, but will probably make it worse. But don’t deny it. Recognize it to yourself for now.

Take the PATH

My problem was that I would bottle up. When I say bottle up, I mean bottle up emotions to the top… 6 months later, I would explode. Emotions and feelings from 6 months before would be brought up. For 6 months I would turn and twist those emotions in my head over and over and over again, until I couldn’t hold it in any longer… and that was not healthy at all either.

Dealing with your negative emotions in a healthy way takes practice. And that is okay. That’s why we’re here 😊. I had someone helping me by saying ‘think of the word PATH’ when it comes to your negative emotions. P – Pause. Take a break and think things through. Don’t act out on what you feel right away. A co-worker of mine said, count to 10 slowly before sending out that email.

A – Acknowledge. Let yourself know what you are feeling in that moment and remind yourself that it is completely okay to feel what you’re feeling. No shame in the game 😊.

T – Think. Think of a way to make yourself feel better. You recognized how you feel, and nobody knows yourself better than you. How can you make yourself feel better?

H – Help. Take the action that goes with what you thought about in the previous step. Relax. Read a book. Find an inspiration. Watch a funny video. Make yourself laugh. Whatever it is that helps you.

What Works for You?

People have different ways that help them to process their feeling. Take some time to find what works for you, and then use it when it is necessary. A friend of mine said she needs to punch a pillow a couple of times until she feels better, and then she expresses her emotions in a very healthy way. Another friend of mine started allowing herself to cry when she was alone with no shame anymore. She needed that to release what she was feeling in the moment. Before she used to do that, she would be so angry where everything was completely blown out of proportion when she tried to express herself.

I could go on, and on about this subject, but let me end this by saying: to manage your emotional reactions, you choose when and how to express the emotions you feel. The balance between the healthy and unhealthy way of expressing emotions is a fine line, and it will take a little bit of practice to find it, but you will recognize it… I have no doubt. And you will start seeing amazing, positive changes for yourself. The times you might miss it, forgive yourself, learn from it, and do better next time. This is it for this week 😊. Recognize your emotions as they come up this week, let yourself know what and how you feel. Then take a break. And last but not least, decide when and to who you want to express your emotions to. YOU GOT THIS!