Break Away from People Pleasing

The concept of people pleasing… something a lot of us struggle or have struggled with. You see, ‘being a nice person’ and ‘people pleasing’ are two different things. When you’re a people pleaser, you have the tendency to push your own wants and needs to the side to take care of the ones everyone around you has. A lot of people have picked up people pleasing at a very early age. The root causes of people pleasing can come from so many different things.

Maybe it all started with a fear of abandonment coming from early childhood. Perhaps it came from being rejected before and now having a fear of rejection. Due to being rejected before, you feel like you have to do any and everything to never be rejected again. Maybe it’s simply coming from insecurities that have built up within you over time. Others people-please because they feel a need to be liked by the people around them. Here is the thing, if you feel like you have to people-please a person in order to be liked, then that is definitely not the person that you want in your circle. Those are the toxic relationships that won’t do you any good.

People Pleasing to Feel Loved

Some of the people pleasers feel like if they stop to please, they are no longer cared for going forward. They think they will no longer be loved. The people pleaser thinks he will be abandoned by everyone he won’t please and do everything for. But then there’s also a fear of failure. Some of the people pleasers fear that if they stop pleasing, they get negative consequences from it. There is a fear of disappointing others if they stop pleasing them.

There is nothing wrong with having a giving heart, but let’s be honest here… You can definitely tell a difference between having a giving heart and being a people pleaser.

Of course there are many different characteristics you can recognize people pleasing by. Often times, people pleasers have low self-esteem. Saying no is really hard for a people pleaser. A people pleaser ignores its own needs, to make sure they take care of the needs of the people around them. A people pleaser is wanting a person to need them, so they push themselves to be a helping hand, no matter what. The people pleaser apologizes even if the situation had absolutely nothing to do with them or was absolutely not their fault. People pleasers often have little self-awareness and have the tendency to make excuses for other people’s mistakes.

Taught Wrong by the Parent

Many people sadly have experienced parents offering a conditional love. Perhaps you were one of those people that was pushed to earn the love and affection you’ve experienced. Another cause could have bene inconsistency or the person not being available. So, the people pleasing could’ve started from the very beginning. And it wasn’t because it’s how you wanted to do it, but because the people you loved and cared about manipulated you, by telling you that it is how it needs to be done for you to deserve it. Today is the day to break free from people pleasing and accepting the truth that people pleasing is not a requirement to receive the love you want and deserve.

During my people pleaser days, I craved validation and approval. That was one of the many reasons I would people please. I wanted to feel like I mattered to the people I surrounded myself with and thought I would, by doing any and everything that I was asked by them. But then the moment of revelation hit me… Validation needs to come from within. And if a person only respects me, appreciates me and likes when I do something for them, they don’t deserve to be in my life. Once I became a people pleaser, I simply became a puppet and gave someone else control over my life and decisions. That was not good.

Becoming the Puppet of who You Give Control to

The problem is this… With people pleasing you give people permission to use you. People take advantage of you, sometimes even unintentionally, because they know they can. But then you also have the people who prey the people pleasers. The narcissist is one of those. A narcissist likes to push the pleaser to its limits. They capitalize on the insecurities of the pleaser. They don’t feel bad about it, even though it’s wrong, because they know you let them… so they excuse it as okay.

Another issue of people pleasing is losing your independence. When you get caught up in people pleasing, you simply do and think what you’re being told to. After a while, you are not sure anymore what it is that you think about things and the things you want for yourself any longer. Once you lose sight of those things, you are not even sure anymore how YOU feel about things.

Let me finish this section by saying this before we get into how to break free from people pleasing: People pleasing doesn’t happen out of love. People pleasing comes out of fear!

Start with the First Step, then Go from There

People pleasing is not easy to break free from, especially if you’ve been doing it for a while now, but it is possible! You can do this! So, how do we do this? As we talked about other things before, start small. One small step at a time.

The first thing that needs to change is the mindset. When you’ve people pleased for a while, it’s hard to put yourself first. At first, you might think that it’s selfish. But I will tell you here today, there is absolutely nothing selfish about it. Remember when we said you have to put your own gas mask on first before you can help everyone around you with it?! The other thing that makes it hard is how you’ve been co-depending on others while people pleasing. When you got to please people, you felt important. Know that it’ll take a little while to adjust and that’s okay.

Who Are YOU? The Real YOU…

To begin breaking free from people pleasing, you have to start getting to know yourself. The real you. Get to know what you value. Start getting an understanding of who you truly are… that will start letting you know what your needs are, it will give you an understanding of your emotions as well as your beliefs.

Next, set boundaries, set boundaries, set boundaries! It is time to recognize what you like and are okay with and what you are not. When you have moments with things you don’t like, it’s time to start saying NO. Start realizing that other people’s responses, reactions and emotions are not up to you. They are simply out of your control and are not your responsibility!

Take Your Time

Going forward, when you have a choice to make whether to do something for someone or not, ask yourself why you want to help that person. What are your intentions behind it? Wait for a person to ask for your help. Don’t feel obligated to have to help with everything. As a matter of fact, many people actually don’t even like that. From here on forth, start trying to ask others for their help every now and then as well.

When a person asks you to do something for them, allow yourself to take some time to think about it. If you decide to say yes to it, set a time limit or a deadline to it. Don’t allow others to set your schedule. Also, allow yourself to block out some time in day for yourself. If you like, even refuse to take phone calls during that time of the day. If it’s important, they’ll leave a voice message.

You Have Permission

Always know, you have a choice. You are allowed to make the choice that YOU like. Another important thing that helps you to break free from people pleasing is knowing your priorities. Take some time to figure out what your priorities and goals are. Knowing those helps you saying ‘no’ in an easier way when things don’t align with them.

I hope this will give you a great place to start at. For me, it helped writing something like ‘I don’t have to explain myself to anyone’ or ‘I’m allowed to say no’ and place it somewhere where I would see and remind myself everyday with. Keep in mind, you can be friendly without being a doormat! Start small, celebrate each accomplishment and don’t forget to keep affirming yourself how awesome you are, and that you are worth every little bit of it!!!