It’s crazy how many factors we allow to influence our identity… and oftentimes not even on purpose. There are positive influences, and there are negative ones. Some influences you recognize very easily, others not so much. Here is one that we often overlook, and miss as a big influence… Society.
The best definition of society I found is given by Wikipedia: A society is a group of individuals involved in persistent social interaction, or a large social group sharing the same spatial or social territory, typically subject to the same political authority and dominant cultural expectations.
So… society sets expectations to meet, and is telling you that if you don’t meet those, you simply can’t be part of it. That’s a huge pressure. We feel like we have to portrait ourselves as a person that we really aren’t, because we want to be part of it too. In other words, you have to fit in. And that’s a lie. You don’t have to fit into anything, or anyone else’s expectations. That’s not what makes you, YOU! But because we want to fit in too, we allow it to be a huge influence in our life.
The society you grow up in can put ideas in your head about the person you ought to be. Here is the thing with that. Because it’s what you’ve grown into, or rather grown up in, you automatically accept it as the truth of who you are. No questions asked. It has become your normal, because it’s been going on for so long, so you don’t question it.
Life’s Influences
In some shape or form, the people you have been surrounded with, the things you watched when you were little, things you’ve seen and experienced in your years are all a big influence in your life, whether you like it or not. Do you remember hearing the statement ‘be careful who you surround yourself with…’ when you were younger? Of course, at that point we thought we knew better, and didn’t think it was going to affect us much. So we became friends with everybody that seemed ‘nice’.
Here is the amazing thing about it… Once you take some time to recognize your main influence, or influences in your life, and don’t like it, you can choose something, or someone else. you don’t have to stay that way if you don’t want to. But it has to be you wanting it.
It might have been that bad relationship. Perhaps that bad neighborhood you were in. Maybe bad parenting that was done to you. It could’ve been a bad school you attended… whatever it was that influenced your character in a way that you don’t like, it can be changed. Because you lived in a bad neighborhood when you grew up, does not mean you have to live in one like that for the rest of your life. Because your heart was broken in one, or several previous relationships even, does not mean you will have your heart broken by every other person in the future, or that all the relationships from here on forth will be the same. But you need to recognize it in order for change to take place. You have to take a step, and choose a new influence in your life.
The ‘important’, or ‘close’ people in your life rather, might have influenced a big part of your current identity by their expectations. Too often we allow people close to us rule and even control who we ought to be. But their journey is not yours, and your journey is not theirs.
Pleasing Everyone but Yourself
Have you ever heard the term ‘people pleasing’? A part of the people pleasing is when we pretend to be someone we are not because we want to impress the people close to us. Because we want to be or feel loved, and want the affirmation. So we do anything they ask of us up to the point where we even pretend to be someone we are not. We want them to like us, to love us, and accept us. We allow it to influence us in a very unhealthy way, where we do anything for another person, and completely forget about ourselves. You might still have some attributes to this day from back then because it’s what you have been familiar with. You’ve allowed it to be your big influence, because it’s what you’ve done for a very long time. You accepted it as who you are.
Too often we fall into typical ‘personality type’ boxes, or other boxes society and the culture have set. The culture and society smushes people into those boxes, and we let them tell us who we are. Even when we don’t fit into those boxes at all. They categorize us. We think it’s how it’s supposed to be… so we accept it. But that’s not how it works. When forced into a box, or category that you absolutely don’t fit in, it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right… because it’s not.
Labels
You are here to be YOU. Not to ‘fit’, or match another person that has similarities with you, character wise. Sure you might have similarities with other people, but you are not them, and they are not you. It’s not who you are, it never was who you were meant to be. You feel stressed out, and anxious because you keep trying to force yourself to be someone you just are not.
In today’s time and society labels have become a huge thing. Let’s be real here… Society loves labels. Labeling is one of society’s obsessions. It is very unhealthy. I remember when in high-school so many people labeled other people… Punks, Rocks, Dork, Loser, Nerd, Diva, do you want me to keep going? And then I read once ‘Labels are for jars, not people’. Labels are stereotyping. We don’t like to say it that way, but that’s what it is. Once stereotyped a certain way, we believe that’s who we are. And that’s a lie.
As I look at people, that once were labeled in high-school… They now completely do not fit into that ‘box’ they were once labeled as anymore. It’s hilarious. That lets me know that it was completely not who they are. It’s not their identity. It was the music they liked, things they did, different things they were interested in… not at all who they are as a person.
Oftentimes, we are labeled by preferences we have, things we like, or things we like to do. Because of what we believe, or our looks, or things as such. That’s a big influence in our life. We hear people saying it over and over again, so we believe society’s voice, and accept it as the truth of our identity. What people have forgotten is, that is not who we are.
We’ve experienced events throughout life where a lot of those things came from. The people inspiring us play a huge role in this. When we were first born, we didn’t like listening to rock or rap. We didn’t have a favorite color, or favorite food. We didn’t care what kind of clothes we wore, we didn’t have a crush where we decided what we think is attractive. You were born, and were already the true, identical you. Think about it… Have you looked at your baby pictures before? Did you see the ones where you smiled? What about the ones with those really funny and cute facial expressions? You were able to express your emotions and feelings, and even opinion with no problem or second thought about it.
When did you start deciding what you liked? What was it that influenced it? Could it be that you picked your favorite football or basketball team because it’s who your parent or sibling liked? Did you start having that first crush after your best friend told you about theirs? Did you make the dog your favorite animal because of that movie you watched? What was it that influenced the way you chose? Labels and stereotypes have been thrown at you over and over again, all throughout your life, up to this point. And guess what? You can break out of it!
Get to Know Yourself
Put some deep thought into it this week. What is your big influence? Do you like it? Do you need to break away from it? Where has it come from? Where and when has it started? Was it in Kindergarten when you were made fun of? Perhaps when a parent identified you as someone you clearly are not? Was it because you tried to live up to standards that were completely unrealistic?
Once you start recognizing them, sort them out. Separate the positive ones from the negative ones. Then start putting thought into what you want to replace the negative influences with. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed at all about what you’ve allowed to influence you the negative way so far. That’s why we’re doing this. To recognize them, and do better in life as we go forward. We don’t want those to be our big influence anymore, so we have to work on it. Without recognizing them, we can’t do it.
I’m going to be completely transparent with you here. When MySpace first came out, and shortly after, it was Facebook… that was one huge influence of my life. The ‘likes’ of a picture and a post became so important to me, that I got ‘hooked’ to the website. I had to keep checking over and over again, whether I’ve received more and more likes or not. You don’t even want to know how much time I ended up wasting just waiting for another ‘like’. So again, no shame at all in recognizing and facing the truth. That’s how you overcome it, and get to change it one step at a time.
If you decide to change it, you can. Right here, right now. It all starts with that one small step. If you decided to choose red as your favorite color when you were eight, and don’t like it anymore, it is completely okay to switch it to the one you like now. These are preferences that you can change any time of the day. The favorite color you choose is not who you are, and it is okay to change and switch it if that’s what you want to do.
If you want to learn a new or different skill, it is okay for you to do so. If you want to pick a different career, do it. As mentioned before, you can do it any time of the day, but it’s up to you do it. It has to come from you wanting it. Make the decisions and choices you make, for you. Not for anybody else, not because of anybody else. This is YOUR life journey. What are the things YOU like?!
I can’t wait hear about the things you’re switching up a little in your life in the coming week with the next blog 😊. Until then, take great care of yourself, and we’ll talk next week.